I’ve been trying to schedule more alone time with myself. Not time to do laundry, wash dishes or pay bills. Time where I just chill the fuq out. I might read, write or just watch a super girly movie which my boyfriend would whinge at. It’s my time to pull my head out of my phone and out of the endless stream of things-to-do.
I started trying make time for myself after an extremely stressful time in my life. Nothing triggered my stress as such, it was an accumulation of things. I just felt like I was running on empty day after day which eventually led to a burnout. I was so hard on myself delegating every ounce of my time to things I wanted to get done. When there was nothing on my to-do-list, I’d find something to add to it. That’s not to say I was always being productive. A lot of my time was spent staring at the ceiling feeling crippled by the weight of my many chores.
Some people can nap mid day, switch off and meditate but not me. I have to really talk myself into giving myself a break. I mentally wrestle myself until I’m an exhausted overworked mess and finally cave. I completely lose sight of the island of Chillaxation and drifted out into Bermuda Triangle of misery. WORK, ACHIEVE, REPEAT.
Finding out what makes you happy and relaxed can be difficult. I can turn anything into a chore. I’ll try to read for fun but then think about the achievement of finishing a book. Then I’ll try to read all the classics, even if I don’t enjoy them because that sounds fancy. I’ll try to walk to clear my mind but find myself counting my steps and pushing myself 20 miles till I collapse at my front door. I think it’s a control thing… But how do you control not controlling yourself? You see my dilemma.
You have to make time for yourself. There is a shame in it and I don’t know why. Saying you’re no to going to a party because you just want to lie around and do nothing isn’t a valid justification. Not going to the gym for a week is viewed as a bad habit rather than a choice. I don’t know why we can’t just say it as it is. I want to be alone!
Sometimes I just want to drink tea and…. do nothing else! I just want to sit there with a teapot and consume my body weight in caffeine. Sometimes I don’t want to meet new people and force conversation.
I like to be alone. I like to mull over how my life is going and work on myself. You need solitude to do that. Big life decisions and eureka moments happen in your alone time. So, don’t freak out if I’m a no show. I’ll probably be kicking up my feet – Who’s with me?