I’ll just have a salad please…


I have an aversion. My whole body becomes consumed, my mind clouds and an existential crisis ensues. I can’t help it, I have to shudder when I hear “I’ll have a salad” sung across a restaurant.

It feels like an attack.

Why would you go out for a meal, a meal that you don’t have to cook yourself and order a mo’fugging salad.

I like eating healthy, I get it’s nice having nutritious food but salads are so easy! I don’t know about you but I can’t perfectly souve meat or source rare ingredients. I actively avoid menu items that I can cook myself because it’s not worth the money. I can cook pasta, I can make risotto and I can chop salad; I don’t need to pay someone else to do it for me.

Ordering a salad at a restaurant is the equivalent to ordering water on a night out. Don’t be that person. Lighten up! There’s lots of opportunity to chew on foliage.

I feel like people have is this weird sense of pride ordering a salad. I swear I can hear them say “I’m more disciplined than you…” rather than “salad for one!”

I’ve tried not to judge. I know people can eat whatever they want and I shouldn’tn judge a healthy food choice. However, as human we’re social animals so behaviours naturally have a knock on effect. If you’re sat at a table and all your friends order salads when you were contemplating the honey glazed ribs, you’re going to feel like a fat ass.

I try not to let other peoples actions influence what I do but I can’t escape the awkwardness that ensues with salad orders. I’d rather not be invited out for a meal if my companion wanted to order a salad. I haven’t come out to spend money and make memories over a salad.

I believe meals out are opportunities to enjoy good wine, good food and good company. If you’re sitting across the table photographing your salad and punching the calorie breakdown into myfitnesspal then you can’t sit with me.


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